I love you, Natasha Bedingfield

THIS IS WHAT I WORE TO MY BIRTHDAY DINNER PLAYERS!!!! Hahahaha notice how im wearing a coat in july because ENGLAND (...eye roll).

Anyway, i was having a moment to reflect/meditate/try to sit still for more than 8 seconds about the close of my 28th yr and while there are many things i could reminisce about (aka how this was the year i learned to spell 'reminisce", aka the year i overdosed on post malone (still in recovery with cuban music), aka the year i started my blog, aka the year i got married, aka the year i bought my first cactus, aka the year i met colin firth with toilet paper on my shoe...) but I think the thing that is at the forefront of my mind is kids.

im not sure about them. 

Now that im 29 (WEIRD), im getting like pre-roller coaster butterflies/straight up anxiety when thinking about having kids. Im pretty TO-ed right now because yes, I think it would be so cool to have a lot of kids (in my head i see like a life-long chic summer camp of a family with lots golden retrievers, bernese moutain dogs, and cavaliers running around w those (...my) hooligan kids) but im not mentally ready for that for at least another 10 years. BUT I CANT WAIT 10 YEARS like a stupid dude can. bc my body says no while my mind says yes. WHAT IS THAT.

Kids have more or less been a possible future pursuit for me but now as i turn 29 i find that 'future' might have to be something more present and that is making me bug out you guys.

Im making badger liz lemon face while i write this bc its still a very current feeling and even though lots of people share this sentiment/ive read lots about similar feelings, the fact of the matter/at the end of the day: the only thing i can count on is that i will get older and die and that narrow parenting window will close so i have to decide sooner rather than later if i want to have a few bundles of screaming/pooping ball and chains... i mean joy.

So im just hoping that one day the anxiety/freaking out will wear off one day before im 35/ a GERIATRIC mother (what.) and that i wont be as angry at everything/everyone and then maybe ill say to bae ok im ready. slash hopefully i can have kids? ugh im a mess. 

happy 29th year, me.

xo, Ashley

Photos by @byvanessleigh

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