Hiya cuties! How the heck are you. Spring is in the air...can you feel it?? Things are about to get magical!
Soooo, in theme with keeping it raw and journal-like (bc this all straight up is a journal haha) here is my third trimester diary from weeks 28-39. I am leaving it at week 39 before baby is born so I can focus on bringing this little one into the world, and I may update it if baby doesn't come for a few weeks after.
Here are my inner thoughts and feelings, all over the internet! :))))
My Third Trimester
You can read my First and Second Trimester Diaries Here (1st) and Here (2nd.)
Week 28: Had the most disgusting gestational diabetes test ever....17 dextrose tablets in one small shot of water. Ridiculous test for 2018 I think. Really happy at the Kensington Wing. The midwives are so kind and lovely. Feel really great about giving birth there. I am reading "The First 40 Days" which is amazing and everything nourishing for the fourth trimester. I am super interested in that rn bc that is the next frontier of dismissal. Post birth, I want to have four weeks to myself, with my husband, and new baby without hosting anyone and just having neutral help by my doula. I cannot even tell you how much splash back/shame I have gotten when I try to chat about what I want for my family. Why do I always have to defend myself? I really need to reflect on that. I'm tired of defending myself. I'm busy growing a person literally from my bones.
Week 29: Wierdest part about being pregnant is I can't feel baby in my body. I don't have an awareness of my baby's body. In the same way I don't have an awareness of other peoples bodies...I can only feel when people touch me. I can feel kicks against uterine wall and abdomen, but I don't have the awareness of my baby's body. Its so surreal and beautiful and I think that is making me realize that there is an actual baby in there. A whole new person. There is sort of a vastness in my abdomen of unknowningness. Something I cannot control or feel. And that is CRAZY. I am also getting very stressed about society vs. breastfeeding. It's just wierd that boobs can only be sexual but our whole body is used for dual or more purposes (ie our tongue, both to kiss and eat but we don't eat in closets bc of shame) and I am over it. I am over making myself uncomfortable so that strangers can be comfortable. Working through lots of anger this week.
Week 30: Shot Pregnancy Portraits. Helped me see the magic of this pregnancy. Officially omitted gluten, per my Gentle Birth Method recommendation...apparently it keeps the cervix thin and mucus-free, allowing for an easier birth. COOL. I'm down to try it. I have a hard time giving up sugar. Baby is in 95th percentile of growth so I really need to cool it. Sugar = bigger baby. Officially waddling. Tummy is huge. Working through lots of anxiety this week. ps, ate a ton of Cadbury eggs. Haha, sugar.
Week 31: BABYMOON!!! In Cotswolds. didn’t think sleep could get any worse. It can. Not only just sleeping 5-6 hours a night but spattered with severe wakeful insomnia. Feel like whale with watermelon strapped to my belly when trying to move, esp at 3am. Finished my gentle birth method antenatal class. Doing yoga, osteo, relefexology weekly. Was able to walk 30 mins a few days ago and have been doing so ever since. Super into raw mushrooms. Decided I want a baby shower after all.
Week 32: I don't like the flippant phrases that dismiss valid emotions a la "oh, an angry pregnant woman" or "you don't want to make a pregnant woman mad" bc frankly you should extend the same human courtesy to all genders, including women, regardless of gestational phase. I have not been inordinately angry or disproporiaetnly emotional this pregnancy. I have been appropriately angry about bringing a child into the world where the (implicit) sexism is rampant. I have been appropriately angry when my landlord organized an engineer to fix a leak for the male tenant below us within 20 mins but it took 7 hours to get anyone round for the same leak in my flat. I have been appropraitely dissapointed by the ethical redundancy of people upon realising I've never had a seat given up for me on public transport. (Hate people a little bit this week.) I have been appropriately sad when I am dismissed or ignored in personal or general settings. I have been appropriately infuriated when a row of oncoming men expect me to get off the sidewalk to let them pass on. And I have been appropriately happy when I see beautiful flowers or when I see that one random act of kindness a year in the streets of London.
Week 33: Had the most beautiful Baby Shower/Mother Blessing!!!!!! Very small and intimate. We made a rainbow swarovski crystal bracelet I'll wear when I go into labour and everyone wrote me mantras to take with my to read in labor as well. My brother is in hospital and my nephew who is the same gestational age as my baby was born. I have seen photos of what my baby looks like right now in utero, out of utero. Quite emotional for different reasons. Also feeling physically run down or pregnancy sick again after two weeks of amazing walking everywhere. Had to take my first paracetemol since concussion rehab in Jan. (It's middle of Feb now...didn't make it too long :/)
Week 34: Maxed out on hypnobirthing. Literally cannot take in any more birth prep. It’s causing anxiety. Not sure how to unpack that other than a bit overwhelmed by the pressure of relaxing. Which is wierd and not sure if that will make sense. Also Stressed about how parents will visit London from America logistics. How to book tickets when we don't know when baby comes and still trying to have 3-4 weeks of recoup. Won't be possible I'm afraid. Feeling the pressure from both sides of family (inadvertently, not their fault) trying to juggle them while also honouring this transition into my husband and my journey into parenthood. I just want to escape to an island. Also wish we had a massive flat to host family. Anyway, I pant while standing still. Baby weighs like 6 lbs this week which is crazy. Wake up every night at 230am. Have to take 1.25g of melatonin. Nausea and headaches are back. Had a burning of our fears ceremony with hubby, while saying a cleansing prayer. Hope it helps me let go and surrender to universe. Losing my mind that I could have a baby in two weeks. UNREAL. Lots of paracetomol. Put together my holisitic Beaux pregnancy book guide.
Week 35: Someone gave up their seat for me on a busy Bakerloo line and I cried. note: it was a woman, probably one who knows first or second hand how hard it is to carry a watermelon for long periods of time without a seat. Hate people a little less. Well, I still generally am disappointed by men. The more pregnant I get the more silent groups of men get when I walk by and then resume their conversation in hushed and hurried tones after I pass by. Unsettling and wierd. That is how I would describe most men though. Unsettling and wierd. Feeling anxiety like I’m standing on a trap door and I have no idea how or when I’ll “fall” into labour. Or what the black tunnel will be like. But I think it’ll be similar to Harry Potter when Ron, Hermoine and Harry fall into that constricting vine this and only when they relax do they get through it.
Week 36: Mother's Day...wrote a letter to Little One. Ohhh man the Back pain Is REAL. Have to lean with my hands gripping London garden gates at a 90 degree angle to release the back when I am out and about London. Had the most insane Mothers Day Weekend at the Berkeley Spa. I went swimming for first time since pregnant and it was insane. ((Magic even?)) I also had my first pregnancy massage and it was also insane. I also have to move even slower than I have been then past 9 months...which I didn't know was possible. Had to have (free range natural) chicken and truffle macaroni and cheese two days in a row. Ps, I’m vegetarian and only recently gluten free 🤦🏼♀️. But the hunger for good chicken was next level, and obviously truffle mac and cheese soothed my soul. Had to honour my body. It literally dragged me to Cocotte.
Week 37: Wrote my 37 week journal. I finally have deduced how to explain to my husband what I feel like. Basically, I can’t sleep at night or walk comfortably or sit comfortably because it feels like I suddenly decided to do a full out cross class after not having exercised in ages and the feeling the next day like your bones have actually been bruised and all your ligaments and muscles and tendons have been saturated in lactic acid and everything hurts and you ache and you feel so sorry for yourself and it’s hard to see the light and nothing and no where is comfortable. All that plus having a watermelon strapped to your tummy that kicks your kidneys and bum hole from the inside haha and aches and keeps growing. So that’s why I toss and turn all night and end up sitting looking out the window at 11pm, 2am, 430am (often in tears) trying to self soothe.... also SO MUCH NAUSEA all week. Cancel plans kinda of nausea. Had to decide if I needed to get off bus on a journey to throw up, wether to cancel acupuncture bc was leaning over toilet when I needed to depart...etc etc 🤷🏼♀️ exciting though...I’ve finalized my push present and I’m sooooo excited about it. Back on paracetamol.
Week 38: Wrote my 38 week journal. And I’ve “made it”? Ha what does that even mean. So much anxiety. Cold sweats. I feel like so many other moms-to-be are so graceful, like water. I’m literally freaking out at all times. Been super stressed emotionally and in life. Don’t think Baby will come soon bc so much stress. It's all keeping baby, zoom! Locked up. Can’t imagine baby feels safe to initiate labour or come into this world yet. Buzz still won’t eat! Note to self: never text a pregnant woman to demand of her exactly how I want to be told and kept informed of her labour progress. In fact don’t ever text a pregnant woman to demand anything of her and don’t text to see if she’s in labour. Just be normal! Text about normal things. For the first time this whole pregnancy, I am ravenous for all the food. Baby has dropped I think so I am able to eat without wanting to throw up for literally the first time in almost 10 months. I had six eggs today in three different sittings. I never eat eggs. And then I had a tuna melt and it was glorious. I never have tuna. I had an insane filet mignon and triple cooked chips. I never have red meat. You know why? Bc I'm a vegetarian haha. But I literally needed all those things from deep within my bones. Thought about using clary sage essential oil on my big toes at night but was too scared to. DI want to go into labour but I don’t. Funny, that.
Week 39: Wrote a little final countdown journal. Feeling like baby could come soon. Eating dates, using clary sage. Faced fears head on, and trying to surrender. Not fight it. All work with ease and grace please. Nursery isn't quite done and I'm still stressed about that. But I am so excited about meeting this little one. Feel like crying "uncle" every day (my hubby told me that no one in england will understand that american phrase...so it's like begging to be tapped out in a boxing match essentially.) Who knows when the baby will choose to join us earthside. Magic, that. Also crazy frustrating to not know that after carrying little one for so long. I feel like that should be a special secret that baby and mother get to share. Made this screensaver for my phone, 'Mother' is be a metaphor for many things and it's worth mindfully sitting with that--->
Week 40: BEAUX BABY NURSERY IS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have to take paracetamol every night just to fall asleep. Body is falling apart. Fun update: I have been nauseous the whole pregnancy!! And I haven't gone more then two days without a headache for 40 weeks!! Too much fun. Can't wait to sleep on stomach soon. Scared of labour still. Why are we the only mammals who doubt ourselves in labour? IDK. Probably bc fear is profitable. Hard to walk more than 10 mins at a time. 'Are my hips broken?', she asks herself with a smile but it's a serious question. I feel like those wooden and string dolls that collapse when the strings aren't pulled taut. Is that an obscure reference? Probably. I have written my 40 week journal. Hopefully it is my last before the 4th trimester.
Week 41: Lol....still here. Still so nauseous. Still can't sleep. It is stressful bc everyone is like 'enjoy this time while you can' and that implies two stressful things; the first being that life will only go downhill when baby comes (so wait, why does anyone have a baby since this is such a broadly shared sentiment haha) and the second being that they had amazingly enjoyable or at least tolerable pregnancies that didn't feel like they were actually dying for 41 weeks. I literally have tears in my eyes every night, just begging to be tapped out of pregnancy. I also have blossomed some insane stretch marks (my first) under my belly button bc baby is getting so big as of this week and they hurt. Parents are en route from CA. Induction is booked in bc of hospital policy re: how long I can carry this baby. (41 + 5 days before they get their hands on us/induction. This brings up a plethora of emotions in and of itself. "JUST LET ME DO THIS MYSELF!!!") Also it is so annoying when everyone is like 'omg have you had the baby yet' or just asks: 'baby?' which ok I understand...it's very exciting for you all but I can't help but get miffed that I as the mother have to go through this insane rite of passage that will be the single most important event in my life and that isn't hardly as talked about bc 'OMG NEW BABY!!! Now I have a new (insert one of the following: grandchild, niece/nephew, friend, baby) that I now can notch on my belt and gush about over champagne!!' Lol so maybe that's a hyperbole and not actually reality and it's because people care which is so beautiful but I still feel that way so....so I don't really know why it makes me mad...I am so happy everyone is excited, maybe I am just an old curmudgeon already who is actually mad at everything. (y tho? lol)
Basically Week 42: My Journal. Ok let's birth this baby!!!
I am nearing the end of this pregnancy being able to count on both hands the number of days I felt 80% good. The rest of the days have completely destroyed me. That said, I am in awe of my body and my baby's body. I have also found three words to describe it all: brutal, primitive, and Phoenician. I will walk away from this pregnancy, regardless of how the birth goes, with gratitude. (Or on the path to gratitude.) Grateful to not be pregnant anymore lol, grateful to meet my baby, grateful for the intelligence of the human body, grateful for all the light and power this Little One has already let in.
But most of all, I have learned that I don't like roller coasters. And I have a feeling that will be my main learning lesson in life. To learn to let go, surrender....(excuse me while I go throw up bc I am nauseous just thinking about the ups and downs and flips, metaphorically of course)...to not take the roller coasters so personally and just observe it all more. Like water. Speaking of water....I really miss the ocean. And white sand beaches. brb, just googling holidays now.