Hiyaaa cuties!!! Its meeeee. I am feeling sooooo pregnant rn! I can't bend down to pick things up suddenly anymore...and tying my shoes? Slip-ons please!
Anyway...things took a moody turn this week (#week29) two-fold: first via these photoooOOoooOOssss (shout out to Anastasia) and secondly via a bad post-concussion week. I've found myself completely consumed by anger!! Which is apparently totally normal. GROOL. (great + cool) And then the headaches and nausea have returned but those are like old annoying neighbours that you don't really like but you've known them for what feels like years and so it's just like ok it is what it is. I've had to take three full days of reading poetry horizontally and then going to sleep angry haha. That last bit was actually more like 5 nights in a row though...it's been groovy!
But on the plus side I have been finding and devouring some amazing pregnancy and motherhood books that aren't so much medical as they are short essays and poetry. (I am going to share them asap bc they've been magical to be able to read atm.) I have found myself angry often whilst reading...however it's not due to the authors but rather the bigger issues that every mom seems to have to tackle (ie, breastfeeding shame, taking up space shame, "i don't do nappies" -men, men full stop., etc.) And I'm 100% sure I'd still be angry at these issues sans concussion.
I just have been overwhelmed by the question...how do I remain a part of society while not being absolutely & completely livid at all times? The shame that society makes young or new moms feel about almost every new obstacle is ENRAGING. Specifically, re: breastfeeding. I am scared about having to tackle that issue as well. People love to give their two cents about everything!! ZERO CHILL, EVERYONE. Strangers love to tell me what my dog needs when I take him around town (ie, omg your dog is so thirsty! (No, we just came from home which is a 10 min walk away...you're just making him hyper by being stressfully loud & encouraging him to jump up while making kissy sounds) and omg, your dog is so tired! (He's sitting down bc I asked him to 'sit' as apart of his training curriculum thanks.) and then of course comments on my pregnant body a la "You're huge!" or "You're getting bigger!" Yes I am. Really clever observations, you twats. (Also twat doesn't mean anything in America so when I say that to my british husband hes like omg and I'm like I do what I want! haha.))
Anywayyyyy, I find I create scenarios in my head that have actually made me get heat rash bc of so much anger just to see how I could potentially handle this breastfeeding shaming. (This is very healthy and I really recommend it to everyone who wishes they could sleep less at night.) I would be honoured to be able to breastfeed. Equally I would be honoured to feed my child any way that I can. I do know that while breastfeeding is natural, it's not easy nor instinctual. Not every mom is able to experience that with her baby. But should I be able to, and would like to nurse one day whilst at a rare brunch w my husband...I hate that I would have to be shamed to 'cover up' in the middle of a normal act of a person (even if it's a baby...still a person) EATING IN A RESTAURANT. I only want to cover up if it's bc I want to cover up. I don't want to do anything as a parent out of fear or shame bc those are weak and cowardly places from which to govern our lives and at what point do I release learned coping mechanisms (Ie, making myself uncomfortable so that others are saved discomfort) that not longer serve me? arrghhhh sjkjfdksicnbherw@£49568nsfjdhdsf.
I'm so scared of an entitled and/or square person coming up to the table the time(s) I am finally brave enough to feed my baby the way I want to feed my baby, covered, or uncovered, and having them ask me to 'have some decency, we're eating' bc I wish I'd be able to fire back "you know, you have been making me uncomfortable all brunch in the way you have been chewing away at your half masticated entree but it's interesting to note that I have not rudely interrupted your brunch with your loved ones. So while my baby is also going to have a meal, I would kindly ask you to stop intruding and return to your seat" but honestly I think I'd be more like stunned in silence if someone came up to me to ask me to stop feeding my baby in such a 'vulgar' way. (This scenario plus many more happen to breastfeeding moms all the time.)
Bigger picture issue here, it's systemically engrained in our society and culture that breasts have to be binary and can only be sexual. Sexual breasts are praised, an infant sucking on a nipple is rude and upsetting. But breasts cannot be both sexual and sustain life. WE CANNOT WIN! And it makes me unable to sleep. It's super healthy!
Jan-Feb-March is always the bleakest stretch of the year and now that I am no longer a CA resident I suddenly understand how amazing sunshine is (I literally used to complain it was "too sunny" in LA...face palm oyeee) and cannot wait for the sun to set later than 4pm.
Will be so nice to have a Spring baby. When all the other baby animals are born in Hyde Park and I can go for strolls with baby and take it all in...well before the sun retires after 8pm.
I really had hoped I would have been able to describe my pregnancy as 'graceful' but at least I am able to pick my dates and eat them too. Dates like the food, not like the calendar. Anyway, here is my journal at 4am one snowy London morning... xo Ashley