Hi cuties! It's meeEEEeeeEEeeeee. So I'm actually closer to 42 weeks now than 41 writing this which is....overwhelming. This is solely due to the fact that I have had to book in my induction at the hospital on 41 weeks + 5 days (literally like tomorrow) and it has made me feel quite panicked. Metaphorically, I would equate my current sentiments to those brought up by a terrible fear of heights, only to find oneself at the top of a large swimming pool high dive, being pushed onwards by a bunch of people towards the end of the high dive board at a metronomically dictated pace by a large timer and there is nothing you can do about it. The only way out of this procession is through. (And I really would like to jump off 'the plank' with baby via our own volition.)
I have been chatting to this little baby everyday, trying to tell him/her that it is safe to come out and we are ready for our future together (and pls try to be gentle when you do come lol) because otherwise people will have to come in and get you. (Yeeeesh.) As the mother, the immediate latter tugs on quite a few emotional chords from my own childhood that nearly makes my head blow off while panic-yelling: "JUST LET ME DO THIS!!" at the people pushing me towards the end of the high dive while lovingly whispering in a tizzy to little one that it is time and it's ok to come out now.
I keep trying to go back to my mantra: "all labour with ease and grace" but I am literally stressed 100% of the time. Which makes me sad. Bc we will all die someday and I'm not doing a great job of enjoying this journey. And by that I mean I am not enjoying this journey haha. 😬 It's crazy to be so infinitely grateful that I have the opportunity to be pregnant but at the same time really, really not enjoy it.
Anyway, with all of that emotional distress aired, I also wanted to note (if nothing else, for my own personal journal) the physical things I've been feeling this final week as well. Bc I'll only be pregnant with my first child once. And even though it's been 3000 years of a kicking-my-butt-pregnancy, I am literally chomping at the bit for those miraculous post-birth hormones that make you forget all the icky stuff of pregnancy and birth by lightly laying a rose-y haze over those last 3000 years that is so convincing, I'll actually want to do it again. :) So I am keen to accurately depict my own experience, before that lovely loving haze settles all around like a fresh blanket of snow.
Man, I’m really going to miss eating rice crackers slowly in the shower at 4:30am....I think that might be pregnancy in a snapshot for me. Literally did that this morning. It was so lame.
Anyway, a lot of ppl talk about common pregnancy ailments* (...? seems like an inappropriate word so please forgive me using it, I'm just so tired from not sleeping to try to articulate it better) which is great and has helped me feel less alone. I, however, am going to chat about a lesser discussed pregnancy 'situation' that really knocked me for a loop. It's sort of related to the widely lamented reality of how you’ll go to the bathroom before bed, literally lay down for two seconds, then baby will punch your bladder and suddenly it’s like you’re going to pee yourself so you have to run to the toilet ASAP or else. And then you pee 2 drops. Insanity. But, what I want to write down so it is remembered forever is how baby punches your bum hole. From the inside. That has probably been one of the most distressing feelings I’ve come to know this pregnancy. There’s not too much to it, just imagine the feeling of someone punching your bum from inside and that’s pretty much it. It makes you cringe to think about it and it makes me cringe when Baby does it to me.
Lol anyway I will never get over that my body has felt more like death doing something it's biologically programmed to do...why isn't it more satisfied! In terms of darwinism, why isn't reproducing more enjoyable for women? I would love to hear a serious debate on this bc my body says no and my mind says why?
Blergh. Anyway cheers to 41...42 weeks and hopefully having a safe and healthy baby born soon. Geez. There are no words to encapsulate the vast unknowingness ahead, only that I know everything will be changing soon.
I really hope this baby and I get on.
*For me pregnancy has meant migraines or headaches or some sort of head ailment (i.e., a concussion for 41-6 weeks = 35 weeks), or nausea or stomach aches (again for me 41-6 weeks = 35 weeks), heartburn, trouble breathing, lower back pain in different iterations as baby grows, haemorrhoids, white stretch marks, constant panting, sciatica, hips being bruised from sleeping on my sides. Red painful stretch marks under my belly button from 40 weeks on. Also sleeping roughly 5-10 broken hours every 36 hours with countless trips to the bathroom punctuated with solo tears at 230am and/or 430am and general insomnia and everyone’s like 'enjoy sleep while you can!!' and you’re like lol STOP. I literally can't smile and nod to that anymore. Also I've had the vague feeling of arthritis in my hands...and puffy face. The only thing I haven’t personally had is swelling of my ankles!! But I still have a few days left of pregnancy! So let's just seebee weeebeeeee!!!!
Lest I forget how pregnant I was!! (or am, bc I am still pregnant whilst writing this!) Also shout out to my little ray of spring in my pink pastel purse. You can always count on Boden. And Raey and Arket for making THE BEST SWEATERS ever. And functional great jeans from Asos Maternity....though I really want a pair of J Brands for my next pregnancy. These bell cropped ones are my dream....
Here is meeeeee at my 41 week Midwife appt...my last appt ever for this baby!! Note my medical folder. I would like to give a shout out to the comfy but kul shoes that I have lived in this pregnancy...above are my trusty all-white trainers from Boden and below are my fave limited edition Nikes that they don't make anymore💔💔💔 (but these are similar! and these remind me of my little pony in the coolest way ever which I LOVED growing up omg...)
And this was me successfully trying to be comfy (all thanks to this dress which I can wear outside pregnancy too) at the last sunday brunch my hubby and I will have just the two of us. And omg I'm not sure how to digest or unpack that reality...but I think I am ready (neigh, excited???) for this new addition to join us for brunchy-poo. What a cutie!
Below are the pieces from my fave third trimester maternity outfits, hope they help other fellow moms-to-be out there! 😘😘😘 Plus my beaux basket, which I am never without!
ps, I don't want to forget that I never had braxton hicks or any nesting urges...it was the hardest thing in the world to get the Beaux Baby Nursery done but omg it was worth every second bc I love it so much.
I really had hoped I would have been able to describe my pregnancy as 'graceful' but at least I am able to pick my dates and eat them too. Dates like the food, not like the calendar. Anyway, here is my journal at 4am one snowy London morning... xo Ashley