I started this post a million different ways bc let it be known: I am so excited to be pregnant. I was so very lucky to conceive easily. I have not had a super easy* pregnancy though. Whoooaaa nelly! (***Everyone has different definitions of "easy", I hear you.) My life has been turnt (like the club) upside down in the coolest way (bc hello...baby!!!!) but omg I have not been able to transition super gracefully or easily.
I am not too keen to repeat and repeat "I have not felt well for 18 weeks (pregnant for 22 weeks tho)!!"/"I feel really bad" for 2 reasons.
The first is: My Mantra!! "I feel good!!" My french Osteopath who is super blunt and keeps it a little too real sometimes asked me point blank this week: "Well, do you want to feel better?" and I was like omg BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT? Can I visualize myself feeling better?? Now I am not sure if this will work but WHAT IF IT DOES! Haha that would be so annoying.
That said, I do think it's important for someone to acknowledge when they don't feel well. Personally, when I am having a 10% feeling good day, I like to then try to journal it/let it go and hope that maybe tomorrow will be better. But at the same time I want to make sure I write it all down so I can look back in future pregnancies to remember how I was doing. And I also do hope it helps other pregnant women relate or see another experience of pregnancy. So... did I just negate my original point? Maybe! I do what I want!
Complete side note: my other personal mantra/blessing is "all work with ease and grace please" so I start each day with that too. Well, I try...
Secondly, I get serious vibes of "keeping quiet and carrying on" when talking about how I actually am doing bc I haven't lost a baby so what could I possibly have to say about my pregnancy? And I totally get that! (This is the bit of the blog post that I rewritten a hundred times!!! It's tricky territory!!!)
But whilst pregnant, I have felt a lot of anger and hurt bc not enough moms and moms-to-be are encouraged to talk about how painful, hard, LONELY (!!) and difficult pregnancy can be because there is a fear of sounding like you are complaining or else as a way of disrespecting those who have had difficulty conceiving or who have lost a baby. That is certainly not my intention! Rather, I hope that by sharing my story it honours all women and that it promotes a community of support. Personally, I wish I had been able to hear more pregnancy stories previous to my pregnancy as I truly think that would've helped me feel less alone/ in the dark, esp. in the beginning.
But then this dismissal (whether self or externally occurring) has actually touched on a subject that I have struggled with my whole life....self worth and the bottom line that my story does matter. That my value and my story isn't contingent on what someone dictates. And this is what I am really trying to cultivate in this pregnancy. Being honest and letting people in and not dismissing my story/feelings/thoughts. My intention for this pregnancy is "NOURISHMENT" and in that way I am hoping for my kid to know that he/she has a strong, Divine Feminine, independent mom who understands her worth and is able to graciously be apart of this world.
Normal transition here, I put on some pants and took a few pics of pieces I love but wont be able to wear again for at least a year...bc I am starting to pop/will have a baby/will be healing from birthing a human! Also I think I may be starting to feel the magic for the first time that people have always gushed about during pregnancy. I am not 100% sure though yet because I am now back to square one with pregnancy sickness this week and that makes me not feel any magic.... BUT BACK TO FAShUNNNNNN!!!
This Boden coat is my everything and will take me through this pregnancy and I can't even tell you how obsessed I am with it. I literally never want to take it off. It will even do up over the bump! It's so chic. The only thing missing is a "Daily Telegraph" over my head whilst hailing a london cab in the rain.
Heels are getting a bit trickier for me to wear but lets be honest...pre-pregnancy I only wore chunky/comfy heels so these nifty boots are pretty sweet. Plus they give me Celine vibes from a few seasons ago and that is v. important.
This is how I feel about all the strangers who give me their 2 cents about my "changing body."
One of my fave lines...Etre Cecile...doesnt have maternity options so I am wearing my FRENCHIE tshirt like a true american who wishes they were french for probably the last time. Unrelated but equally important: today the same french osteopath as above (i gotta make more french friends) told me she liked my hair and I WAS LIKE OMG LET IT BE WRITTEN A FRENCH WOMAN COMPLIMENTED ME....also am i french yet.
So here is me in my last day in my wedgie Levis for the foreseeable future. RIP levis...until I can do you up again. You have been legendary. I will miss you.
Small ps, this was baby bump from the one day I felt good back in my 17th week I think it was. I have put all my favourite jeans in a tupperware for storage (including levis) and from here on out, its just maternity pants and/or loungewear. (which....I'm not that mad about. BRING ON THE COMFORT!)
I really had hoped I would have been able to describe my pregnancy as 'graceful' but at least I am able to pick my dates and eat them too. Dates like the food, not like the calendar. Anyway, here is my journal at 4am one snowy London morning... xo Ashley