I feel like I should say here (as a future mum/mom), I have never been baby crazy or particularly excited about seeing/holding babies. I never had the instinctual urge to become a mother nor have I ever gotten 'baby fever'. I don't get teary eyed when someone shows me a photo of their sister's newborn. Recently, I picked up a family friend at the airport and literally gave his 4 (or maybe 8? She may have been 6. idk) year old daughter a handshake.
Because of this baby fever void (that isn't actually a void ladies!!), I felt mildly stressed for most of life (the same sort of stress if your teenage boobs were slow to 'come in' while everyone else seems to have gotten theirs. Incidentally, much like boobs...I think every woman is different and baby pining comes in different sizes and shapes, if at all.))
When I found out I was pregnant, a switch didn't flip. (eeeek is that too honest??) I still felt the same when I saw someone else's baby. #nothing. The only thing I really did feel shortly after our pregnancy was confirmed was this intensely powerful instinct to turn inwards and I immediately lost my interest in sharing things with the world. I wanted to go to the mountains and be with my husband and dog and live quietly and slowly and meaningfully.
I have a tinge of guilt (and maybe a little bit of sadness bc truth be told I did want to know what it felt like to have 'baby fever') when I am super honest and say I didn't particularly feel anything other than shock and awe when we found out we were pregnant. I didn't and still don't understand how our life will change with this human joining our family.
That said, my husband and I were and are so excited and v. interested in creating a loving and stable home in which these souls can come earth-side to do the work they need to do in a supportive environment with unconditional love.
Jumping ahead through the testing times of pregnancy and general feelings of apathy/sickness towards it all, I noticed in week 18 I began to feel a bit of camaraderie with this baby. I think that directly correlated with beginning to feel kicks in week 17.
------> btw I have finally been able to describe what kicks feel like! At first I was like, hm ok maybe its like flicking your tongue against your cheek (I tried to articulate it so my husband knew what I was feeling) but I actually think they feel like when you get a vein twitch in your arm or hand or eye and you can feel it throb and it doesn't hurt but its strange and bizarre and makes you go huh. And then as the baby has grown (at week 23) I would describe them as when you have stomach flu or like food poisoning in that your bowels feel like they are churning and serious movement is happening but without the urge to go to the bathroom or pain. It does wake me up in the night though now. Haha nothing like some bowel chat to keep it real...<----
Since feeling these kickies, I tried to frame my perspective in a more tender way and was suddenly blown away by the fierce power that this little nugget has. That is pretty crazy to realize that this little tomato has completely knocked a full grown adult flat. But I still wouldn't say it was love just yet. I still didn't have those instagram/advertisement smiles or an urge to rub my stomach sentimentally or coo at my aching torso. But I did feel a bit of "I have made it effing this far and I want to meet this little force". So in that way, it is what it is. Maybe it is my version of baby fever/love???
Now at week 23, I find I am softening towards this baby. I'm still not instagrammy pregnant and running through flower fields but I its more like when you grow a plant or something tenderly and mindfully (thanks pregnancy yoga!)...I am starting to feel almost an excitement to meet this person. Weeeeeeee! That's pretty exciting to say outloud.
On a beautifully sunny but freezing London day, I dressed myself in my favourite colour scheme: monochrome. I put on all of my best navy, placed my Blondie Beaux Basket into a string basket, and had a little stroll.
I have pretty much been living in these oversized turtlenecks (as you can literally see from my other posts) and this navy one is no exception. These leopard boots are comfortable and remind me of celine. HEYOOOOO! They've actually been a lifesaver bc more than ever, I have to wear comfortable shoes (but theyre still supahhh coool!) This long wool coat is vintage BUT I found this insane max mara one though that is super dreamy wow wow wow. These wool trousers from netaporter are held up by one button fastened with a hairtie (last day I'll be able to get away w that trick and then it's full time maternity pants.) These sunglasses have been my best friend for the last 4 years. And it is bc they are a timeless frame from celine. And those are all the fashion facts!
Here are some photos of my body and face. But bump...not so much. It is camouflaged in mah supah masculine coat bc I love a good oversized coat and that was a freebie since all my coats I've accrued over the years fit perfectly over my bump...with plenty of room to spare.
I really had hoped I would have been able to describe my pregnancy as 'graceful' but at least I am able to pick my dates and eat them too. Dates like the food, not like the calendar. Anyway, here is my journal at 4am one snowy London morning... xo Ashley