Beaux Pregnancy Diary: The First Trimester


I know I am not the first person to be pregnant. I know I will not be the last. But I wish I had had any idea that pregnancy sicknesses contains be a huge spectrum and that spectrum can even hit you all at once.....


i AM PREGNANT!!! (me: did i say that loudly? also me: yes you pretty much yelled it) I am 19 weeks rn. and guess what guys. I have never been kicked so hard in the tush by anything ever. This has taken me 11 weeks to write. Most of the time I have only been able to jot a sentence down here and there. Only as of yesterday have I felt well enough to look at a screen long enough to make it look like someone older than 5 has written this....

I have taken a solid 4 month break from social media, with the exception of The Beaux Store IG with which I have just barely been able to keep my head above water bc I literally cannot look at screens/accomplish anything. Oooof! pregnancy is NO JOKE you guys. Sure, it's self inflicted much like a hangover or jetlag except I thought everyone was just dramatic about 'morning sickness' (psh yes ive been 'morning sick' aka hungover too a few days in a row after a big weekend whatever you just pull it together NO PITY HERE) and that it would just be fleeting if i even experienced it at all. Also the movies portray it all as cute little flights to the bathroom to throw up but you're still dressed up and looking put-together. You're not bed-ridden and struggling to even shower each day....

OMG.

So not the case for me and I have a feeling it's not the case for so many women bc every woman is different and every pregnancy is different and there is no textbook sure-fire way and explanation for how it's all going to go. But there are women's stories.

This is why I believe so strongly in hearing other women's, mother's and moms-to-be stories...to share the many possibilities and valuable insight that other women have gone through so that other newly pregnant moms-to-be (like me) can know what is out there. 

I have felt so alone and un-empowered (!!!) and hurt by the lack of discussion of the wide possibilities of pregnancy/ morning sickness manifestations. Honestly I would describe this pregnancy so far as 'angry'. I was listening to a podcast recently that hit the nail on the head for me so well that I got teary eyed. I've been loving Australian Birth Stories (again, I cherish so deeply women's stories) and this episode was really visceral for me:

"I felt quite sick a lot of the pregnancy. I felt like her energy was so big I couldn't even contain it in my body. Like, I remember thinking who is this child going to be! It just felt full on. So the pregnancy wasn't easy...I remember feeling a lot of rage in that pregnancy at society because I remember just feeling 'we need to look after pregnant women more!' They're carrying these babies and how they feel impacts these babies and I remember feeling outraged that when you're pregnant you're expected to just get on with it."

Equally infuriating were the dismissals and the prognoses by every random person ever about all things in my pregnancy. ("It'll be fine", "Oh, it's normal to feel a bit off", "Hang in there", "It'll get better" blah blah blah that just made me furious by week 14.) Literally, I cant get out of bed. Im feeling a bit more than 'off'. 

I hope that for myself and every woman that there will be a shift to empowerment during pregnancy and birth and motherhood via true stories and good information and community. Via support and a safe haven.

So to join in and share my motherhood story thus far to let other women (like myself) know they are not alone, here is my experience.


- MY PREGNANCY STORY (well, up to 19 weeks) -


My husband and I had begun calling in our souls/babies about a month before we found out we were pregnant in July 2017 and we had no idea it would happen so quickly. (I didn't even know if I would be able to get pregnant. I had mentally prepared myself for possible IVF etc etc) I had slack jaw of incredulity for about 24 hours. The next day I had a little cry by myself bc I was scared and overwhelmed by whats to come. (note: I still am scared and overwhelmed.)

Week 6. Immediately cued nausea, headaches, the beginning and calm intro to the storm. I also began getting instantly nauseous looking at phone screens (hence an unplanned 4 month break from social media) and the instinctual need to go to the mountains of Idaho. I am very lucky to be on my own payroll but I have been so embarrassed by my in ability to accomplish anything. Embarrassed of The Beaux Journals, embarrased of The Beaux Store. Cue losing hundreds of followers. 

 The fanciest breakfast I can muster. Mostly it's just crackers and popcorn.

The fanciest breakfast I can muster. Mostly it's just crackers and popcorn.

Week 8. I've lost my appetite for everything except popcorn and toast (the most beige and bland foods) but tried to meditate on letting go of anything and everything that no longer served me. However, I felt so terrible that any soul work, preparation work for the birth, or self nourishment was and still is not doable yet. I have been forced to focus on small achievements like eating breakfast and getting dressed and some days I can't even do that. 

'I constantly feel as though I am driving in a hot car for hours (but not vomiting which actually makes it worse) so I am super nauseous with an upset sour tummy. I also have an 8 hour jet lag all the time (something I know very well as a californian living in London). Additionally I have growing pains in my torso (those feel like side stitches but down in my groin and also general ligament strain all over my abdomen) that ebb and flow daily. I also now get migraines everyday after 5pm (I'm talking ice packs on my head, dark room, peppermint oil etc and...i'd never been prone to headaches before pregnancy). I also am very dehydrated bc drinking makes me nauseous. Because of that, I'm now constipated, and I have really annoying and constant lower back pain. Also I can’t sleep well bc I can’t sleep on my tummy or back and everything is uncomfortable. (Also we got a puppy the day before we conceived so throw a super hyper baby dog into that whole mix.)' -me at 8 weeks.

Week 10. "It gets better" when the placenta takes over, says everyone. Week 10 came and went. Still so sick.  I had my my second viability scan at 10 weeks (as I was traveling at 12 weeks) and I found myself feeling sadness if we had lost the baby (20% of pregnancies miscarry in the first 12 weeks so I knew I could easily be in that group) and the attachment that had developed even in the thick of this haze surprised me a lot. Because even though we had mindfully and carefully planned when we wanted to begin our family, I was feeling nothing except anger and rage for so long. No attachment, no excitement, no butterflies. Only a fleeting fear which was then replaced by all-consuming physical pain and discomfort. 

Week 11. Insert long haul flights to Idaho with a puppy here. Barely hung in there on that flight. Also bought my first pair of compression tights. Helpful but I hate them.

Week 12. I heard that week 12/13 gets better when you're officially out of the first trimester. Weeks 12 and 13 came and went and now I have a fun thing where I get migraines and sour tummy everyday from 4pm until 6am. My husband is an empathetic saint and kindly gives me pregnancy tummy rubs which help sometimes and/or an ice pack for my head every night. Sleep is still iffy, I often wake up in the middle of the night with moaning stomach aches and/or a migraine. Tried to think about what it is in this pregnancy that I literally cannot stomach, what no longer serves me, etc. but then I got a migraine. 

Week 15. Insert long haul flights back to London. So nauseous, have sick bag in hand. "It'll get better" people keep saying. Nearing week 16, I wrote this bit of the blog post in my pjs on a friday at 5pm and I haven't left the house nor have I been able to cook any food bc of nausea or go to the store bc woozy and so tired and basically...it hasnt gotten better. I keep telling myself a mixture of these are all good signs and 'remember you wanted this'. Cue worry about losing this baby and/or any possible things 'going wrong' in the back of my mind.

Week 17. Started feeling kicks. Surreal and wierd and wierdly not wierd at the same time. But still a bit off putting that I have an alien growing inside me...Finding myself more prone to actually throwing up but having bigger pockets of the day that aren't complete misery. 2-4 days a week I am usually able to leave the house and look presentable. But then of course sour tummy and migraines meet me still at night. Eggs make me gag so hard still. Craving sugar coated strawberry gummy candies (which I've never craved in my whole life), and fried chicken. (Im a vegetarian...)

Week 19. Maybe some relief? Maybe things are "getting better"??? I feel like I've been on a crazy turbulent airplane takeoff and I am still not sure if this flight (cool metaphor for this pregnancy haha not) will ever level off. I've been able to wear my maternity pants that I ordered which is a big deal bc that means I feel ok enough to get dressed. *PHOTOS TO DOCUMENT PROOF OF THE SMALL WINDOW WHEN I FELT OK BELOW!* I still can't walk fast and stairs leave me crazy winded.  I am having big growing pains in my abdomen. I am tired 100% of the day even with iron tablets. But I seem to have 3-4 days a week where the mid morning to early afternoons are fun. ALSO IM ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH THIS PREGNANCY....crazy.

Looking ahead, I would really love to know what it would feel like to be blissfully pregnant. I'd also really like to feel better.

And get back into yoga. And to find the beauty and magic in all of this. And to surrender and help this baby be brought into the world the way he or she needs to be.

And also seflishly, accomplish things again. And see the good in people again (esp. on public transport). And get back to biznuss. And sort out how I will birth this baby (midwife led care or private midwife for home birth...)

xo Ashley 

ps, here is the first showing of my baby bump and my first day in my maternity pants. And I'm super excited about the new way I've set up my Blondie Beaux Basket....I bought this 5£ turtle bag from arket and have started putting my beaux baskets in it and am obsessed.

The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
 Not gunna lie, I was melting right here and I was not feeling so great. I didnt hide it well.

Not gunna lie, I was melting right here and I was not feeling so great. I didnt hide it well.

 BABY BUMP!!!!

BABY BUMP!!!!

The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes

Long Black Coats in the winter....my go-to.

The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes

-Blondie Basket, you will always be my first love -

The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes

Because 2 bags are better than one! Esp. when one is a beaux basket....

Beaux Maternity Clothes
The Beaux Journals || Maternity Clothes

Also these shoes from Boden are literally my everything. They are so flipping perfect for winter and they're the first winter boot I've ever had (#california)....def get them 2 sizes up though if you get a pair!

Anyway, tomorrow The Bleu Collection for The Beaux Store launches at 8pm London Time and I'm super proud of it esp. bc I was able to get it done whilst on my death/life bed these last few months....I hope you love it too you cuties.

Be sure to check out my diary on my fave hotel destination in the Cotswolds too if you missed it, and my whole outfit from above is shop-able below. 

xo MEeeeeeeee