Hiya cutayyysss!!! Happy Boxing Day!!
So I've been realising in the most overwhelming way that my body is simply not my own rn in pregnancy. Everything is going crazy. I am growing in every sense of the word: emotionally, physically, spiritually I think too...but this growth hasn't been supah graceful on my end. It's been tough and uncomfortable bc it is simply not my idea of a 'good time' to have 0% control over how I look or feel, no matter how many inspiring quotes ("You determine your happiness", "You are as beautiful as you feel", blah blah) I come across.
Week by week, I find myself letting out an involuntary helpless sigh when I look in the mirror. I observe the hormonal spots erupting fiercely like a teenage high school football player (and subsequently having to wear makeup again😭), my arms and thighs as they soften and outgrow my pre-pregnancy levis, my massive boobs that make it hard for my arms to rest at my side (what even is that!), and my hips which are now spattered full of stretch marks. (A pox upon you, religiously applied oils that are supposed to support my body at this time!) Tbh, I can almost see the little grey cloud of despair floating above my heart/heart when I look in the mirror. I literally have daily proof of just how little control I have over my body. And my changing hormones heavily affect my emotional states, making those quiet times with myself that much lonelier as I see my body slowly jumping ship.
I wish I could confidently write all of this from a gracious place, knowing I have arrived at a place of tenderness and love for my body which is accomplishing this AMAZING feat of creating another person...THAT IS INSANELY beautiful. That I could hug all the parts of my body that are changing; that have surrendered to this higher purpose with an open heart. My body literally can grow another nervous system. Un.real!! That is like so much bigger than I am...I feel like my body is tapping into a universal power of creation...the Feminine Divine...the same thing that makes stardust or something like that and yet I am so bogged down with this very 3D or even 2D limiting definition of how I view my worth and attractiveness in this world via the size of my trousers and flawlessness of my skin. Ugh how counter-intuitive and counter-productive? To try to contain and define something so profound and big into something so small and meaningless. Basically cuties...how does one let go gracefully and surrender fully to such a beautiful new chapter? (I am really asking. I would love to know.)
But it's frustrating to wake up each day and have no idea if I'll have the energy to do what I need to do, to source or ship out rugs for The Beaux Store, if I'll be forced to have a bed-ridden day, or if I'll feel effing great (and by effing great I mean 70% great, but I could get out of the house. But then instantly regret leaving home bc it's peaceful and safe and lovely.) But I am hoping that by keeping on with yoga, and osteopathy, and self-care, and other forms of nourishment (plus TIME), I will be able to pass through the eye of the needle into the grace of the divine feminine. It may take a lifetime haha.
Shifting gears, I was chatting with one of my good friends the other day and she asked me what foods I've been craving during pregnancy. I actually get asked quite often what foods I crave during pregnancy and I realized I should write it down so I can remember!
Bagels. Maybe it's the 100% American in me, but all I have wanted since week 6 is a sesame bagel with cream cheese. In the first trimester I also wanted nothing other than grapefruit, except bagels. (Apparently that is also high in folic acid.) I hated chocolate which was my favourite thing pre-pregnancy. Now in the second trimester, I love it again and can easily feel hugged when I eat a bar of my favourite salted milk chocolate welsh nomnom bar. (I realize how absurd that all sounded haha- thats actually the chocolates name.) Cottage cheese and cacao nibs has been a constant fave throughout. Toast with soft cheese and alfalfa sprouts too. I love kombuchas and cacao mylks. And then good old pasta with tomatoes. My gastro-palate as of late revolves around red, whites, and teeny amounts of greens. But tbh, cravings have not been as they are depicted in movies for me. I had cravings pre-pregnancy that much resembled my pregnancy cravings. So idk.
Oh, actually that reminds me. I craved fried chicken and little sugary gummy candies so badly for like the first 20 weeks. I never gave in as I'm a vegetarian and I also don't like sugary gummy candies IRL haha. So actually maybe those are my two cravings that were unique to pregnancy.
ANYWAY! Here is me in some cremes and greens on a supah cold day here in London. Bc I love leading a hands-free lifestyle (mostly so I can walk buzz and not juggle a stupid shoulder bag!) I am all about the cross body bag. I can't even believe that my bump isn't shooting out in every shot bc it is not easy to hide anymore. Sometimes I'm like "yep theres a person in there how beautiful and natural" and other times I am like "OMG THERE IS A PERSON IN THERE LIKE AN ALIEN AHHHH!"