So it is the end of 2017 tonight (RIP 2017...2017-2017) and I have lots to reflect on bc this year has completely pivoted my life in a new direction as business owner, dog owner, and mom-to-be even though the world is imploding in on itself. That is mind-blowing.
To celebrate, I wanted to share my second most treasured photo (well, alongside my wedding photos to my Rupert): My 20 week scan photo...here is our baby! 💕 💕 💕
And as a means of real-time reflection of my second trimester, I have been compiling this diary since November to remember each week of pregnancy...maybe there are other moms-to-be who have had any similar experiences (??) Fittingly, I end my second trimester as I end this year and I am excited for the new chapters ahead. Woop woop!
(Weeks 13-19 are included in my First Trimester Diary in a confusing yet bold organizing move from moi)
20 weeks: So immensely grateful the big scan went well. (photo above.) I am having more peaks but the same low low troughs. Last night, I had a headache and stomachache all day (the usual) but around 5pm I was bedridden the rest of the night. I’m talking dark room, ice pack on the forehead for the migraine, no phone, no stimulation, nada. I took my first paracetamol this pregnancy last night bc it was time. I couldn't bear the migraines anymore. It was a pretty crazy Saturday night. Also...this is the back to square one pregnancy sickness that I was having every day up until 17 weeks...the kind that is so constant and persistent and relentless that it interferes with my sleep. It’s so strong it wakes me up at night and stops me from having naps even when I'm so so tired. So curious to know what it will be like to be a mom!
Also had my first scare this week whilst chopping veggies. These veggies to the right in fact...as this photo was taken moments before unbearable cramps hit me. Not the normal aches and ligament pains that come w growing a person inside. But an all-consuming, knock you flat cramps. It made me cry bc I want this baby so bad and I was afraid I was losing it. I had to lay down and then have a bath. They eventually subsided and there was no bleeding thank heavens. Panicked bc I don’t even know who to call in the event of an emergency. Another reason why I need to get with midwife led care as my current consultant/ob-gyn is booked 2 weeks out and only works 2 days a week.
21 weeks: I have felt a lot of rage and anger bc I have felt like there isn't a lot care for pregnant women and that everyone is literally expected to 'get on with it' as I am likely 'overreacting' or being 'too sensitive' and just need 'some fresh air.' Which ok, maybe I get the bit where it's like no one asked pregnant women to have sex and then get pregnant, I understand that, but there's also an air of dismissal that I get very emotional about esp. as this is my first pregnancy. ("You're fine", "Just walk it off", "It'll get better", "You're getting bigger", etc) This baby that I am carrying has felt every single sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment, etc that I have felt since carrying. (Hopefully not the sickness though.) And all that combined with the rage I feel from strangers or random acquaintances commenting on it all etc just makes me angrier. (Haven't mastered that graciousness yet haha.)
22 weeks: I AM FEELING THE MAGIC OF GROWING A PERSON INSIDE ME!!! I have begun doing yoga!!! I feel well enough to self-care!! Weekly osteopath, acupuncture, daily baths, and yoga...I am loving it. It has been super helpful in connecting with this little baby and feeling the magic...especially by dancing together (mom and baby) at the end of class and this insane Divine Feminine mantra that makes me have teary eyes everytime. I AM FEELING GREAT AND LIKE MY OLD SELF AND I CAN DO EVERYTHING!
23 weeks: Back to square one. I have started to be like whoa, who is this baby. (!!) Baby is already a force to be reckoned with...and I have had my reckoning. I've been bed ridden two solid days so far. Migraines and severe nausea returned. Up in the middle of the night from headaches and nausea. Couldn't do yoga at all this week. Met with midwives at Chelsea Westminster. The midwife leading my appt. told me I look 'exhausted.' It's cool when medical professionals I am meeting for the first time say I look tired. Regardless, think it feels right. If insurance is sorted, that's where I will birth this little one.
24 weeks: Yep ugh right back to square one with pregnancy sickness still! Have to take Panadol for migraines and spent the weekend in bed bc so nauseous and tired and headaches. Car got broken into. Nothing stolen bc nothing was in car. Merry xmas, me. Went and tried prams at John Lewis...I like the joolz stroller the best. More than bugaboo. Christmas is this week. It’s going to be our last xmas ever just my husband and I. Quite sweet. And scary bc change is scary. Baby kicks are huge and literally feel like one of those massage chairs with the huge balls on rolling underneath the leather.
25 weeks: Omg week 25 and im feeling alive??? Ok so maybeeeeeeee baby im feeling better? Maybe this just happens to be xmas so im feeling the magic!!! After months of researching, I have booked in for the Gentle Birth Method Antenatal Classes w my birth partner (mah hubby Rupert.) Also am looking at supplementing it with this great Hypnobirthing class in Dulwich...but wish I lived closer to Dulwich though bc it's like a 45 min commute to that door to door...
26 weeks: Well I got a concussion. Bc I fainted onto stone floor on xmas morning. And it was probably the most emotional next 24 hours of my life. Couldn't get head scanned bc of baby...so doctor ordered 24 hr observation. Still shaken over being told "mom's health takes priority over baby" in the event that I showed any signs of haemorrhage. Spent xmas night alone in the CDU at Kingston Hospital. Had Christmas dinner with my Rupert in a hospital bed. Boxing day in hospital. Realized how grateful I am to be pregnant and how badly I want to me a mom. Spent rest of holiday in bed on paracetamol with a massive bruised egg on right side of face and head...with no recollection of how it was incurred. Hurts to chew bc jaw is also bruised. No idea why I fainted either. Ate breakfast that am...had plenty of water...I think my body may have just physically rejected the xmas mass that I was attending (hahaha lol I'm joking Im joking 🙊🙉🐒🙈 I'm not supah keen on broadcasting that someone else's religion or spirituality may not be right for me even though that is never a two way street...)
27 Weeks: Did a meditation on shadow work which basically hugs the rejected parts of ourselves...a la Carl Jung's shadow projections and working with your inner child. Hoping to do this more often. (Have I told you I am a hippy dippy mamajama yet??✌️) This is also my final week of the second trimester. It is New Years. Pregnancy so far has little brought up all of the feels. From apathy, to sickness, to anger, to sadness, to the great surrender, to desperate love, to deep love, to peace, to anxiety, to the deepest fear of loss, to exhaustion in every fibre of my being...I am still moving slowly from concussion. Holidays brought up a lot of feelings around family as well. Side note: not sure how to 'be myself' around the in-laws almost 5 years later...
2017 into 2018 Reflections
Looking back, this trimester has been even more roller-coster-y than the first. BUT despite all of the discomfort and sickness this past year...there is an underlying foundation of immense and all-consuming gratitude. How can I be anything but grateful? My husband and I have doubled our family with a new little puppy Buzz and the conception of our baby AND I started The Beaux Store since last March...so there is a lot to be proud of and excited for amidst a rough pregnancy. 2017 has been a frustrating season for the world but I have to say I am so thankful for this year personally.
That said I have a LOT to work on (ie, being more graceful in difficult situations, focusing on self-care and tender self-love esp. in the transition to motherhood, keeping up my creativity amidst feeling awful, creating a new mom network (aka finding mom friends haha), expanding The Beaux Store, mentally and emotionally preparing for birth (via gentle birth method, hypnobirthing, yoga, reading, nourishing food) and prepping for motherhood in general) and hopefully I will push the needle towards progress this year.
Here are some of moments from 2017 (my favourite ones are when baby beaux were just a secret between my husband and I...even though the pregnancy sickness was not my fave):
Second week home with Buzz and 2 weeks pregnant! (but didn't know it just yet...)
So grateful to live in beautiful London...but at the same time longing for the countryside...
Sourcing for The Beaux Store with Buzz and my 10 week bump...founded on March 15, 2017! ❤️
TB to the most epic early summer 2017 holiday in Puglia...where my husband and I decided it was time to begin calling in the souls who wanted to join our little family...
Have you seen this little dude??? What a cutie!!! Can't wait to meet our other addition to my beaux family in March/April 2018.
Cheers to the third trimester and a new year!